ADHD/AuDHD The Enormous Pull of Perfectionism

When Trying to Get Everything Right Starts Taking Everything Away

If perfectionism has left you not only exhausted but feeling like you’ve been sucked in and spat out, manipulated by your own brain....then this is for you.

There’s a certain grief that can come with perfectionism. Grief for the opportunities you didn’t take because you didn’t feel ready. The hobbies you gave up because you weren’t immediately good at them. The conversations you overthought, the holidays you couldn’t fully switch off on, the evenings spent working instead of resting, and the moments that slipped by while you were trying to get everything just right.

You see, perfectionism is rarely just producing perfect work…it’s more like trying desperately to protect ourselves, because behind the endless checking, overworking, overthinking or avoiding altogether is often a much deeper fear: What if they realise I’m not good enough? What if I let someone down? What if my worth depends on getting this right? Perfectionism convinces us that our safety, our acceptance and sometimes even our value depend on being exceptional.

Why ADHD/ AuDHD Makes Perfection Hard to Spot?

In particular in ADHD/ AuDHD, perfectionism can be especially difficult to recognise and deal with because it often disguises itself as responsibility. You know you’ve forgotten things before. You know you’ve made mistakes. You know you’ve been misunderstood. So checking one more time, preparing a little more or working longer can feel completely reasonable. Until, without realising it, you’ve crossed the line from thoughtful preparation into fear-driven overcompensation. Then RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria ), which so many of us live with, can make any hint of getting it wrong feel unbearable.

I know this because I’ve been there myself, many times.

The Time Perfectionism Backfired on Me

In the early stages of my ADHD coaching, I had a session coming up on burnout. I wanted to get it right. Not just right… perfect.

So I did what perfectionism told me to do. I read every book I could find. I highlighted pages. I memorised questions. I tried to prepare for every possible direction the conversation might take. I convinced myself that the more I knew, the safer I’d feel.

The irony wasn’t lost on me. By the time the coaching session arrived, I was frazzled. Instead of feeling calm and confident, I felt completely burnt out (and there’s the irony), rehearsed and incompetent. My perfectionism made everything worse!

It is an absolutely cruel twist that perfectionism feeds the very insecurities it promises to protect you from.

It convinces you that if you just work a little harder, spend a little longer you’ll finally feel confident enough. Safe enough. Good enough.

For a moment, it might even work. You hand in the report. You receive the praise. You avoid the criticism. The anxiety eases… briefly.

Trust me though…  the relief never lasts.

Instead, perfectionism quietly raises the standard again. Next time you need to work even harder. Prepare even more. Prove yourself all over again. In that way, it behaves a little like a bad habit that keeps reinforcing itself. It promises relief, but instead leaves you trapped in a cycle of overworking and quite often, avoiding the very things that matter most.

Perhaps that’s what perfectionism really steals. Not just your time or your energy, but your freedom. The freedom to enjoy the process., to be creative, to learn through mistakes, to finish something and feel satisfied, to rest without guilt ( imagine that!) . The biggest one of all … to be more present with the people you love. The more perfectionism takes over, the smaller your world can become.

So Where Do You Begin?

In my experience, the answer isn’t to try harder to stop being perfectionistic. In fact, that often becomes another impossible standard to live up to.

Instead, the first step is simply to notice.

To notice the thoughts that show up before you start a task. It has to be perfect. Don’t get it wrong. You’ll look incompetent. Notice what happens in your body? Perhaps your shoulders tense, your breathing becomes shallow, your stomach tightens or your heart starts to race. Then you start to notice the behaviours that follow…. The over-preparing, endless checking, researching for one more hour. Or, avoiding the task altogether because the standard feels impossible to reach.

This awareness creates something incredibly important: a pause. A little space between the pull of perfectionism and your response. Enough space to ask yourself, What’s really happening here? What am I trying to protect?

When you start to notice that perfectionism is trying to protect a part of you that has learned, somewhere along the way, that mistakes aren’t safe, that your worth has to be earned, or that being exceptional is the price of acceptance. Understanding that story with compassion, rather than criticism, is where lasting change can start to happen.

What we do in coaching is begin to find something that’s more sustainable: a sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on flawless performance, because when your value no longer rests on being perfect, you don’t stop caring, you simply stop carrying the impossible weight of believing that every task, every conversation and every achievement has to prove your worth.

If you want to explore your own neurodivergence further you can book a free discovery call with no obligation on my website:

www.shineonadhdcoaching.co.uk

Thanks for reading

Nicky Walker

Shine On 