ADHD and consistency: Do I really need to push harder?
“If I stop being hard on myself, how will I get anything done?”
This is a question that comes up a lot in my work with ADHDers. Someone wants to follow through on things that matter to them, but they worry that accepting what's difficult will mean becoming too comfortable with leaving things undone.
I can totally understand that fear. If pushing yourself has sometimes helped you get things done, being kinder to yourself can feel like giving up something you depend on.
In my own experience, and in working with clients, I’ve also seen people find a way forward through flexibility and a different way of thinking. Allowing some variation, and changing your approach when things haven’t gone to plan, has actually helped people keep going.
That experience has made me curious about what we mean by consistency, and what kind of push really helps.
What do you mean by pushing harder?
When someone says they need to push themselves, I think it is worth exploring what that means.
It might mean making a clear commitment, setting a deadline or asking someone to check in. It might mean choosing to begin something even though it feels uncomfortable. Those can be useful forms of support and challenge.
It might also mean telling yourself that you are lazy, that you should find this easy, or that you have let yourself down again.
These are quite different experiences, even if we use the same word for them.
Wanting accountability makes sense. You may value someone helping you stay connected to your intentions, notice when you drift and think honestly about what happened. There is room for that alongside kindness.
“I managed it yesterday. Why can’t I do it today?”
Some people with ADHD describe a frustrating gap between knowing what they want to do and being able to engage with it reliably.
Interest, novelty or an approaching deadline may sometimes help. Sleep, stress, energy and competing demands can also affect what feels manageable. Everyone’s experience is different, and these influences extend beyond ADHD.
Yet when you know what you are capable of on a good day, it can be tempting to expect that version of yourself every day.
Perhaps you planned to exercise for an hour, work through a long list or spend the evening getting organised. When you cannot repeat it, you begin to question your effort or commitment.
I’m interested in the conditions around those experiences. What helped on the day it felt easier? What was different on the day it felt harder? Was the original plan realistic enough to repeat?
ADHD and making room for variation
For some clients, progress has involved allowing the way they do something to vary.
A walk might be shorter. A task might be done in smaller sections. A routine might have a simpler version for a demanding day. Some people find a fixed time helpful; others need more flexibility around when they begin.
The question becomes whether the approach helps them stay connected to what matters and follow through often enough to be useful.
Variation can be deliberate. You can decide what you are aiming for, what a manageable alternative looks like and when you will review it.
Sometimes the plan will still need more structure. Sometimes the goal itself needs another look. Flexibility gives you options to explore.
What happens after a difficult day?
This is where forgiveness has felt particularly relevant in my work.
A missed day can become much bigger than the day itself. You intended to do something, it didn’t happen, and now there is a story about what that says about you.
“I never stick to anything.”
“Here we go again.”
“There’s no point starting.”
I’ve worked with clients who have begun to respond to these moments with more understanding. They may still feel disappointed. They still care about what they intended to do. They are also becoming more able to leave the missed time period, whether that’s a day or weeks, behind and consider what comes next.
From what I’ve observed, that forgiveness has not meant they stop trying. For some, it has helped them return.
Where does self-compassion fit?
Being kind to yourself can feel risky. If you stop being hard on yourself, what's left to keep you going?
Psychologists Juliana Breines and Serena Chen put that worry to the test. Across a series of experiments, people who responded to a failure with self-compassion became more motivated to improve, not less. In one, students who struggled on a difficult test and were encouraged to be kind to themselves went on to study for longer afterwards.
These were short experiments, not studies of long-term consistency, and not in people with ADHD. But there's a reason it matters here. Research by Danielle Beaton and colleagues found that adults with ADHD tend to have lower self-compassion, partly explained by how much criticism they've lived with. That harsh inner voice often has a history behind it.
What I’ve found is that you can acknowledge that something was difficult and still care about the commitment you made.
That might sound like:
“I didn’t do what I intended. It matters to me, so I want to understand what happened and decide what to try next.”
There is honesty in that response and there is also somewhere to go with it.
Finding a way you can return to
Doing something worthwhile may still involve boredom, frustration or uncertainty.
There will also be times when you need rest, a different plan or more support. Learning to recognise those situations is part of the exploration.
If consistency is something you struggle with, you might ask:
When does pushing myself help, and what does that push involve?
What does it cost me?
Where could I allow variation while keeping a meaningful commitment?
What would help me return after something hasn’t gone to plan?
What I have seen is that people i work with can give themselves more understanding, make room for variation and continue working towards their goals.
That possibility is certainly worth a go
Nicky Walker
Shine On ADHD Coaching
Citations
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2020). Self-compassion and perceived criticism in adults with ADHD. Mindfulness, 11.
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