Is This ‘Just’ Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)? Learning to See Beyond your Immediate Reaction

“What a liberation to realise that the voice in my head is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.” Eckhart Tolle

What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)?

Let’s clear this up straight away… Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a term used to describe the intense emotional pain that some people with ADHD feel in response to perceived rejection, criticism or failure. Nobody likes rejection, but in ADHD one of the things that sets it apart is the full-body, emotional and mental overwhelm that can come on suddenly and powerfully and stay lodged in your system long after the moment has passed.

I’ve always hesitated to include personal details, it feels so exposing, but if you’ve ever felt something similar, maybe it helps to know you’re not alone. When I was young, between 10-12, it took on many different forms; internally I had very low self-esteem, which I hid incredibly well. I could spend a lovely day out with a family member, but if they didn’t wave goodbye, it’d feel like a literal stabbing pain followed by a night (or several nights) of self-hate. Later in my teenage years and early 20s, my response to ‘perceived rejection’ began to look like self-sabotage and extreme risky behaviour. I didn’t have the words or awareness to understand what was going on at the time.

Now though, there’s a certain freedom that comes with learning to see your thoughts instead of being them. When you live with ADHD and experience something like RSD, finding that kind of freedom can take time, but when it comes, even in small moments, it can change the way you see everything. The first step is to be curious about your thoughts and start to understand what might be happening.

Why does RSD happen?

A lot of it comes down to the way the ADHD brain processes emotion. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions and impulse control, often works less efficiently in people with ADHD. This means that in moments of perceived rejection, it’s harder to pause, think rationally, and self-soothe.

At the same time, the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system, is often overactive. It reacts quickly and intensely to emotional stimuli, especially anything that feels like social danger. This can trigger a fight-flight-freeze response, even when the "threat" is something as small as a comment, a look, or a mark on a paper.

Then there’s the Default Mode Network (DMN), sometimes playfully called “the demon” by Dr. Edward Hallowell. This is the part of the brain that becomes active when your mind is wandering or ruminating, especially on negative thoughts. For many people with ADHD, the DMN can get stuck in a loop of self-criticism and rejection, making it even harder to separate real feedback from painful interpretation.

This is why RSD feels so real because neurologically, it is. Your brain is reacting as if you’ve been seriously hurt, even if the situation doesn’t warrant that level of distress.

This reaction can lead to either withdrawing, people-pleasing, lashing out, or sabotaging things that matter to us, all in an attempt to avoid the unbearable feeling of being rejected. In a twisted way we end up rejecting ourselves.

How do I know if it’s ‘just’ RSD or a justified response?

One of the most helpful ideas I’ve come across, both personally and in my coaching practice, is this:

“Respond to the present moment, not the past pain that thoughts can bring up.”

So how do you know if it’s a justified emotional response? Here’s an example I sometimes use with clients.

• Scenario 1: You walk into a room and trip over your own feet. Some people glance up briefly. You feel a rush of shame and your thoughts spiral: “I’m so stupid. Everyone saw. They’re all judging me.” You beat yourself up for the rest of the day.

• Scenario 2: You walk into a room, and someone deliberately trips you up. A few people laugh and point. In that case, your feelings of embarrassment or anger are more directly connected to the actual situation.

In both cases, the emotion is real, but in the first scenario, the reaction is fuelled by the story in your mind and the belief you’ve created about yourself, not the reality of the moment. That’s where RSD tends to live; it’s in the interpretation, not always in the event.

Learning to notice RSD

Many clients ask me, “But how do I know if I’m seeing things completely clearly?” The truth is, it’s not always easy, but one of the most powerful skills we can build is awareness. Noticing when the emotion feels fast and overwhelming. Noticing how quickly the negative self-talk starts. Trying to question if this is part of your ‘learnt story’ or if the pain feels disproportionate to what actually happened or what was said.

Sometimes what we perceive as rejection isn’t quite what it seems. Imagine walking into a room, noticing someone doesn’t greet you the way you expected, and instantly assuming, they’re ignoring you, or they’re upset with you. The sting is immediate, but what if that person is simply distracted? Nervous? Or dealing with something really difficult?

RSD can blur the line between what feels true and what is true. It’s about learning to pause and ask, could there be more to this than just me? How can I zone out and depersonalise it? These gentle questions can open up understanding and compassion, both for ourselves and others. In a way, you learn, sometimes with support, how to gentle parent yourself.

Final thoughts on Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

RSD is something I still live with; it doesn’t just go away. But now I see it. I know what it’s trying to protect me from, and that knowledge has helped me respond differently, more in control and less about making it personal.

Remember - You are not your reaction. You are the one who sees it. And from that place, you get to decide what comes next.

If this resonated with you...

RSD can be exhausting to carry on your own. Now that I understand it so much better myself in recent years, and have been trained in this area, I support others to make sense of things too. If you'd like support navigating your ADHD experience, you’re very welcome to book a free 30-minute discovery call with me, Nicky Walker at Shine On ADHD Coaching. No pressure, just a space to talk and explore whether coaching could help.

Here is a testimonial from a previous client:

💭 "Working with Nicola at Shine On helped me make sense of my emotional world in a way I never had before. I used to fall into black-and-white thinking, like if someone didn’t reply to a message quickly, I’d instantly assume they were upset with me or didn’t care. It triggered this overwhelming fear of rejection that would completely take over.

Through our sessions, I began to recognise these patterns as part of RSD, and instead of reacting straight away, I learned to pause and question the story I was telling myself. My coach made me feel genuinely proud for even noticing it and that self-awareness became a turning point. The people closest to me started commenting on how much calmer and more grounded I seemed. Learning to sit with strong emotions instead of being swept away by them has given me so much more control over my life and how I choose to respond." 💭

👉 Book your free 30 minute discovery call here:

https://calendly.com/nwalker3-uclan/30-minute-free-discovery-call

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Nicky Walker

Shine On ADHD Coaching